Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize