fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This girl is more easily done than said...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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