Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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