I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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