i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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