you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
