I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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