I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize