I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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