Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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