They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
