Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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