Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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