Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
