he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
