hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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