Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize