the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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