Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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