I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
