oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
