o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
