Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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