Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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