i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
