Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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