My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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