Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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