Your mouth is God's brothel.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
