I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think my tv is drunk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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