I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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