how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
