Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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