This is not my ceiling
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
