I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize