its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
