I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
