alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize