It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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