I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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