making cat noises will not fix the situation.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
