thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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