grandma shit on top of the toilet
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
