Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
