Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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