Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
