remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
