no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just high enough for therapy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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