Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No I am not eating basil off your cock
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
