while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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