Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
