My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
