I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
