Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
