why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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