I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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