ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
