she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
