You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
